one liners

Two men walk into a bar - the third man ducks.


What did the elephant say to the naked man? - It's kinda cute, but can it pick up peanuts?


What is the difference between government bonds and men? - Government bonds mature.


What's the difference between man and E.T.? - E.T. phoned home.


What's E.T. short for? - He's got little legs.


A robber broke into the police station and stole all the toilet seats. - The police didn't have anything to go on.


What's the difference between sin and shame? - It is a sin to put it in, but it's a shame to pull it out.


Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other "your round". The other one says "So are you, you fat b******!"


What happened to the man who put his condom on the wrong way round? He went.


I went into my bank the other day and asked the cashier to check my balance. She pushed me over!


An Englishman, Irishman and Welshman walk into a bar. The barman says, "Is this some kind of a joke?".


Why did the bald man cut holes in his trousers? To run his fingers through his hair.


"I see," said the man as he pissed into the wind. "It's all coming back to me now."


Guy goes into the doctor's. "Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck up my backside." "How's that?"... "Don't you start."


"I was cleaning out the attic the other day with the wife. Filthy, dirty and covered with cobwebs.... still, she's got a good personality."


A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only clingfilm for shorts. The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."


"Doctor, I can't pronounce my F's, T's and H's." "Well you can't say fairer than that then."


The first ovary says: "Do you like music?" "No, why?", replies the second. "Cuz two nuts are trying to push an organ up here."


What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.


What's the difference between a bad marksman and a constipated owl? One shoots and can't hit.... the other hoots and can't shit.


I had a ploughman's lunch the other day. He had a right go at me as well!


"I went to the doctors the other day and I said "have you got anything for wind", so he gave me a kite."


"Ooh, my feet are killing me... every night they grab me around the throat."

Tommy Cooper Classics:


You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice."


So I went down my local ice-cream shop, and said I want to buy an ice-cream'. He said Hundreds & thousands?' I said 'We'll start with one.' He said 'Knickerbocker glory?' I said 'I do get a certain amount of freedom in these trousers, yes.'


So I went to the dentist. He said "Say Aaah." I said "Why?" He said "My dog's died.'"


Now, most dentist's chairs go up and down, don't they? The one I was in went back and forwards. I thought 'This is unusual'. And the dentist said to me 'Mr Cooper, get out of the filing cabinet.'


So I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and said 'Who's speaking please?' And a voice said 'You are.'


Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. And there are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my dad. Or my older brother Colin, Or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu, but I think it's Colin."


So I rang up my local swimming baths. I said 'Is that the local swimming baths?' He said 'It depends where you're calling from.'"

chinese proverbs


Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day.


Man who stand on toilet high on pot.


It is good for girl to meet boy in park, but better for boy to park meat in girl.


Man who jizz in cash register come into money.


Man who drop watch in toilet have shitty time.


Man who fart in church must sit in own pew.


Man who finger girl having period get caught red handed.


Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.


Learn to masturbate-come in handy.


Woman who pounce on dead rooster go down on limp cock.


Man who buy drowned cat must pay for wet pussy.


Virgin like balloon-one prick, all gone.


Man who run in front of car get tired.


Man who run behind car get exhausted.


Foolish man give wife grand piano, wise man give wife upright organ.


Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok.


Panties not best thing on earth, but next to best thing on earth.


War does not determine who is right; war determine who is left.


It take many nails to build crib, only one screw to fill it.


Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.


Man who keep feet firmly on ground have trouble putting on pants.


Man who smoke pot choke on handle.